True Love

We continue to share transcripts from our live conference call about Love and Relationships.

(You can listen to the audio below)

The question Kay answered was about "True Love."

Helmut: Next question: “And can you love into true love?”

Kay: I'm going to make an assumption about what this means.

[laughter]

Kay: I'm assuming this means can you be loving somebody, maybe it's not the best quality love relationship, but if you keep working at it, can it finally become “true” love.

That's what I think this question says. So I'm going to answer that.

Here's another cultural concept of what love is: “true” love.

In the Hetakas’ view love is this unconditional caring.

There's no price on it, there's no conditions. It's not, "Well, I'm gonna be your best friend as long as you do this and this and this. If you start to do something else I'm walking out the back door." It's unconditional. No matter what happens – you still care.

Our cultural concept of true love from the movies has a lot of strange little twists to it, and a whole big fairy tale aspect to it.

In the Hetakas’ view, when they're looking for a marriage partner, a mate, they spend a long time.

They're looking, they're interacting, they're making friendships.

They spend a long time with these kind of friendship level interactions before they pick a life mate, because they don't really have any concept of divorce.

For them their life mate is their best friend, their closest friend, partner in life for the rest of their life.

For them it doesn't necessarily mean that they're sexual partners forever. That may change, but they live together. They have children together. They're raising children together. They're taking care of the whole family together.

They're doing all of the different social responsibilities, or tribal responsibilities together. They share all their closest thoughts and feelings.

This is their very best, closest friend for life.

So for them a marriage partner means: this is somebody that you feel you relate to really well on as many levels as possible, and many ways as possible.

That you just have this wonderful, warm, loving, caring feeling that goes on between you; a closeness that nothing shatters.

Nothing comes between it.

When you're with that person they make you feel really, really, really good. And vice versa.

And for them it's extremely important that those two people develop a really deep friendship.

This lifelong best friend, companion relationship that goes past all these other things that we think of in our modern culture socially as what we would want as a romantic partner, or sexual partner, or a marriage partner.

In our modern culture we tend to stay on a very shallow level.

We put sex on an extremely high priority and say if the sex fails down the road, the relationship fails because there's nothing underneath to keep the two people together. They have no other friendship, they don’t know how to relate to each other in any other way.

You see it happen a lot with couples. They'll stay together if they have kids because they want to raise the kids. They don't want to traumatize them with divorce and all that.

So they'll force themselves to stay together and try and make a descent family life until the kids are gone. And as soon as the kids hit college, they split.

They have no other way to relate to each other past this interaction with the kids.

You see it with all kinds of different issues in their life. As soon as that issue is gone they don't know what to do with each other. They are not each others' best friends.

So my recommendation is make a best friend, a best, best, best, closest friend so that no matter what comes down the road in your lives together you have a real solid thing there; you would do anything for each other.

You're always there for each other. You can't imagine not being there for the other person for something that they need or they want in life.

Whether there's still sex or not that just doesn't really even matter.

Usually when you have that kind of deep, deep friendship when the sex can still be there it's very intimate and very fabulous. It's profound. It's a profound sharing.

But life has its turns, and really wild sex just may not always be there in the picture.

What if one of you gets sick? Too sick to be able to be sexually active? Does that mean it's going to be the end of the relationship? That you have nothing else, no other way to correspond with each other, to interact, communicate; you have no other basis for hanging out with each other?

A true, true, good, loving, caring, intimate relationship means that you are absolutely the best of friend, with this very, very deep, Song-to-Song sharing.

A profound level of respect for each other, admiration for each other, this caring, this giving, willing to be there no matter what. That's what it means.

Helmut: Wow!

Victoria: Yeah!

True Love

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